Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 5

5. The Further Chronicles of Abby nary(prenominal)mal, Miserable, Broken-hearted Emo-ho of the NightKayso, who is outside my door exclusively Baroness Buzzkill herself, the Motherbot, accompanied by those most(prenominal) crapacious homicide cops, Rivera and Cavuto.So Im each(prenominal), Oh joy, does this caffeine fresh clusterfuck come with donuts? Which it turned out, it didnt, so in reality, WTF is the point of bringing cops?And the Mombot is all, You cant do this, and who is this boy, and where own you been, and you own no right, and blah, blah, blah, responsibility, worried sick, youre a dreadful, horrible person and you ruined my life with your platform boots and your piercings.Okay, those werent her exact words, merely the subtext was there. And in retrospect, I may have erred in using the Im sleeping over at Lilys house gambit for two months running, when I was, in fact, lifespan in my avouch trs cool slam lair with a mysterious love ninja. So I decided to turn t he tables on her by asking questions, before she got in the rhythm of grilling me and heaping me with mom guilt.So Im all, How did you find me?And the dark, Hispano cop steps up, and hes all, I called her.So I rolled up in his grill. Well, up in the knot of his tie, because hes taller than me. And Im all, I cant consider you ratted me out. You traitorous fuckAnd the cop gets all chilly and hes all, Im not a traitor because Im not on your side, Allison. Using my day-slave name, just to fuck with me.So Im all thinking, Okay, cop, I can see that you believe that your shit cannot be shaken, and you are totally trying to come off all sly and faultyass in front of the Mombot so she might do you a good long time? I know-mating rituals of the ancient and crusty- take holds you barf in your mouth a olive-sized, huh?So I go over to the big risible cop, and Im all soft-spoken little-girl voice, I thought we were on the same side because-well-because we know closely the nosferatu, and all that money you got from his art collection. Were not? Im crushed. Totally happen to fore base on balls, fake-heartbreak fainting. I was press release to cry a little, but my mascara was lined up sympatheticred the spikes on the gates of hell, and I didnt want it to go raccoon on me so early in the day, so only a sniffle. I wiped my nose on the big gay cops sleeve.And the Momster is all, What? What? Nosferatu? What? Money? What?And Rivera is all, Excuse us a moment, Mrs. Green, we need to have a word with Allison.So the Mombot starts to go into the bed get on and Im all, Oh I dont think so. You can wait outside, or any(prenominal)thing like that, because it turns out I didnt want her to see the inner sanctum of our love nest, because shes a nurse and seeing the dog collars, test tubes, centrifuge, and whatnot might give her the wrong idea. (Foo and I like to get our mad scientist freak on in the privacy of the boudoir.)So Mom steps outside.And Foo is all, Owned, bitches And he d id a pathetic imitation of my own superb booty dance of ownage, and I was, at once, touched by his support, yet embarrassed by his tragic lack of rhythm and booticuity.And Rivera is all, Allison, how did you know or so the money and the old vampyre and the yacht and you have no proof and blah, blah, I so cant decide whether Im the good cop or the bad cop, or if Im waiver to settle down pretend to be badass or totally crap my pants from the verbal death grip you just put on my man sac, blah, blah.And Im all, I know it all, cop, popping the p in cop because it makes both of them flinch a little. You need to exit and take the Mombot basis or I give be forced to expose your evil shit to your masters, and not in the fun counselling.And the Hispano cop was all chill, nodding and smiling, which harshed my confidence somewhat. And hes all, That so, Allison? Well, Mr. Wong here is twenty-one, and you are still a minor, so among other things, we can take him in for contributing to the d elinquency of a minor, kidnapping, and statutory rape. And he folds his arms all, Take that, bee-atch. Hip-hop superior.So Im like, Youre right, he is totally taking advantage of my innocence. Foo, you ginormous perve Then I slapped him, but for the drama, not because he might think I was a slut. I should have known when you had me shave my va-jay-jay into the shape of a beaverAnd Foos all, I did notPervy and redundant, dont you think? I asked the big gay cop, who wouldnt know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the Star-Spangled Banner. (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the Star-Spangled Banner is spangled? Theres no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. Im just saying.) So, I, like, start to pull up my skirt to further freak him out, like Im going to flash the beav, which was a bluff, because I am totally trimmed bat-shape and dyed lavender and I was wearing my hot-pink fishnets, which are full-on tights and put the PG-13 on my no-no place.But instead of hiding his head and screaming like a little bitch, which is what I was going for, the big gay cop is across the room and has Foo in handcuffs in like seconds, cranking them down tight.So Foo is all, Ow Ow OwAnd Im heartsick at his suffering, so Im like, Unhand him, you fascist-ass bear.And Rivera is all, Allison, we need to come to an understanding, or your boyfriend is going to jail, and take down if the charges dont stick, he can kiss his masters degree good-bye.Powned I was forced to lower my skirt in defeat. Foos eyes were all anime-huge and started to get tear-spangled, and my noble love ninja looked all pleading to me like, Please, do not abandon me, despite my obvious emo tendencies.So Im like, Well give you a hundred thousand dollars to leave our love lair like nothing happened.And Rivera is like, Were not interested in your money.And gay bear cop is like, Wait, where did you get that kind of money, any air?And Rivera is like, Never mind, Nick, its not about money.And Im like, OMG Rivera, your bad cop skills suck ass. Its always about the money. Dont you have a TV?And hes like, What happened out there this morning?And Im all, You know, vampyre kitties, meter maid sucked to dust, samurai in orange socks, Abbys kung-fu of solar ass-kicking. Then to Foo Foo, the jacket is the sickest shit everWhich is a good thing, Foo translated for the cops.And Rivera is all, Vampyre cats? Thats what the Emperor said.Kayso, its clear that the cops have doubts, so I explain the whole battle, and Foos theory of how Chet is devising vampyre kitties, and how we are pretty much fucked nine ways to Kwanzaa because its the end of the world and whatnot, and there are metric buttloads of kitties in the City, and only two fly, vampyre-frying solar jackets, mine and Foos, and we are being detained by law enforcement assbags instead of saving humansity.So Riveras all, What about Flood and the redhead? You helped them, right?Kudos to Inspector Obvious, were o nly living in their loft, spending their money, and hanging our damp towels on their bronzed bodies. I was all, They left. All the vampyres left. Didnt you talk to the Emperor? He saw them get on a boat at the Marina?The Emperor isnt the most dependable witness, Rivera says. And he didnt say anything about those two, but I find it hard to believe that a cat, even a vampyre cat, even a gang of vampyre house cats took down a full-grown parking enforcement officer.So I was like, Chet is not a normal vampyre kitty. Hes huge. to a greater extent huge than normal. Hes getting huger. If you dont let Foo work his mad science skills to cure him, by next week Chet might be dry-humping the Transamerica Pyramid.Foo was nodding like a manga-haired bobblehead. He was all, Truth.The big gay Cavuto cop is all, Can you do that, kid? Can you put this shit storm back in the box?Absolutely, says Foo, when he totally has no clue how to catch Chet. Ill need some time, but leave the handcuffs on, because thats how I work best.Foo can be most nipping when faced with day dwellers less intelligent than himself, which is almost everyone.Kayso, Rivera takes the sleeve of my jacket and starts turning it over, looking at it, all Neanderthal discovers fire face. And hes all, Can you make one of these in a leather sport coat? Forty long?And Im all, Are you coming on to me?And he gagged a little (which was mean), and hes all, No. I am definitely not coming on to you, Allison. Not only are you the most irritating creature on the planet, you are a child.And Im all, A child? A child? Do these belong to a child? And I pulled up my top and flashed him. And not just a flash, a full, glorious boobosity.And he didnt say anything. So I turned my headlights on Foo and the big gay cop.And theyre all, Um-uhr-uhr-um-Im like, Et tu, Foo? Which is Shakespearean for, You traitorAnd I ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I was kind of wishing Id taken a hostage, except really the only weapon I had was a jacket with little light warts all over it, so I was limited to being dangerous to vampyres and emos who get their feelings hurt really easily by my snarky wit.Kayso, then I stared into the dark abyss that is the meaninglessness of human existence, because there was nothing on cable. And in searching the depths of my soul, I saw that I must stop using sex as a weapon, and that I must only use my powers of seduction for good, unless Foo wants to do something freaky, in which case, I can have him sign a waiver. Now, I realize that the only way for me to righteously explore my strength as a woman is to become nosferatu. And since the Countess and Lord Flood wouldnt bring me into the fold, I must find my own way to the blood power.Kayso, in a few minutes Riveras at the door all, Allison, I think youd better come out here. And Im all, Oh no, Inspector, I cant open the door. Ive taken all these pills and everythings all wiggly. Youll have to break the door down.Then Foos all, Abby, plea se come out. I need you. He used his Im sad, wounded, and locked in the castle hover with all my powers gone voice, which I didnt even know he had, but it was tragic and I had to come out and humble myself before the cops like a little bitch, despite my new resolve to partake of the dark gift.So Im all, What?And Rivera is all, Allison, we have an agreement with Mr. Wong. He leave behind stay here and work on a solution to the cat problem, and in return for our not filing charges, you both will say nothing to anyone about our previous-uh-adventures, with Mr. Flood, Ms. Stroud, and any other persons of the blood-drinking persuasion. Nor will we mention any funds that may have changed hands, and who may be in possession of said funds. Agreed?Im all, SweetAnd you have to go home and live with your mother and sister, the evil Hispano cop continued.And Im all, No wayAnd all three of them are shaking their heads at me. And Foo, who is out of handcuffs now, is all, Abby, you have to go wi th them. Youre still a minor and your mom will chuck a spaz if they dont bring you home.And if that happens, well have no choice but to drop a devise on Mr. Wong, said Cavuto.And Foos all, And to defend ourselves well have to tell everyone about everything. So well all be hosed and meanwhile, Chet the huge shaved cat will own the City, summation our relationship and stuff would be strained.And by and stuff, Foo meant that we would lose the love lair and no one would take care of Tommy and Jody, and Foo would have to become love ninja to some big guy in prison. We were owned.I was all, I blame my mother.I offered my wrists to Rivera for the cuffs.And they were all nodding, and Sure, and That works for me. And Yeah, Im good with that.But Rivera didnt put the cuffs on me.And Im all, Can we have a minute to say good-bye?And Rivera nods, so I start to lead Foo into the bedroom.And Rivera is all, Out here.So I unzip Foos pants.And Cavuto grabs my arm and starts to drag me past, so I wa s forced to give Foo only a minor good-bye kiss that brushed his lips like a breeze from the tomb and left a little bit of a black lipstick streak on his cheek.And Im all, I will never forget you, Foo. They may tear us asunder, but our love will endure for eternity.And hes all, Call me when you get home.And Im all, Ill text you on the way.And hes all, Abby Normal, you rock my stripy socks. Which was totally romantic, because he doesnt wear stripy socks. I cried and my mascara smooth in sorrow.Then Cavutos all, Oh for fucks sake. And he starts to lead me out the door, but turns to Foo and goes, Is that your tricked-out yellow Honda downstairs?And Foo is all, Yeah.And Cavutos all, You know its full of rats, right?And Foos all, Yeah.And so I am a prisoner of the dreaded Motherbot and Foo faces the menace of Chet alone. Gotta jet, my sister, Ronnie, is asleep and Im going to Magic Marker a pentagram on her shaved head. L8erz.RIVERA As they were walking away from delivering Abby Normal and her mother to the apartment building in the Fillmore, Cavuto said, You know, if Id had Allison there around when I came out to my dad, I think he would have understood a lot more why I like guys.If the vampire cats victims turn to dust, most wont even be reported unless someone sees the attack, Rivera said, hoping Cavutos train of thought would head on to the next station.Shes so obnoxious, said Cavuto. Like a whole Saturday night drunk tank full of obnoxious packed into one little body.Maybe if we get a cadaver dog, said Rivera.Okay, but dont bitch about how the car smells later, because I want chili and onions.What the fuck are you talk of the town about?Cadaver dogs. You were saying we should go to the ballpark and get cadaver dogs for lunch.I was saying no such thing. I was saying we should get a dog thats trained to sniff out cadavers to help us find the clothing of the victims.Oh, said Cavuto, who didnt want to think about vampires. Sure, that makes sense. So, Barneys Bur gers for lunch then?You buy, Rivera said, as he popped the locks on the unmarked Ford and climbed in.They drove eight blocks down Fillmore Street toward the Marina, before Cavuto said, Shes right, you know? I am a bear.Rivera put on his sunglasses and took a few seconds adjusting them on his face to buy time before he answered with a sigh. Im glad you decided to come clean about that, Nick, because observing your six-foot-three-inch, two-hundred-and-sixty-pound, growling gay personage for the last fourteen years would have never betrayed your true identity, given my dull, homicide detective powers of observation.Your sarcasm is the main suit Alice left you.Really? Rivera had wondered. Alice had said because he was too much of a cop and not enough of a husband, but he had suspicions about her testimony.No, but Im sure it was on the list.Nick, in all our time as partners, have I ever indicated that I wanted to discuss your sexuality?Well, not beyond using it to threaten suspects.And have I ever offered to share the details of my sex life with Alice?I just assumed you didnt have one.Well, thats not really relevant. Im just saying, Im fine with you just the way you are.Mantastic, you mean?Sure, go with that. Although I was thinking more of large and furry, yet afraid of tiny girls.Well, you cant hit her, shes a kid, Cavuto whined.They found parking in a garage near Barneys. Rivera pulled into a no-parking spot (because he could) and shut off the engine. He sat back and looked at the wall in front of them.So, vampire cats, Cavuto said.Yeah, said Rivera.Were fucked, said the big cop.Yeah, said Rivera.